Thursday, January 5, 2017


 The year 2016 was a rough year for me.Today,being the 5th of Jan made it exactly 12months I lost my hubby to the cold hands of death.We understand death only after it has placed it's hands on someone we love, nothing in this life prepares us for losing a loved one.A year ago, everything was different and now that I look back,I realize that a year can do alot to a person.Pain traumatized me to the point where I couldn't think clearly,couldn't reason or figure things out.I had pain so deep that I lost my sense of self,personality,my health was threatened, even started hating my wonderful kids at some point and became a
different person.Some times it hurts so much that you feel like your chest will cave in and the only thing stopping it are the gasps of air u take in between the tears.I became a widow at the age of 27 and I hated God for letting it happen.I asked why he would take my hubby on the eve of my birthday and a month to our 5th wedding anniversary.I asked how I was supposed to take care of two boys without a job,asked so many questions but didn't get answers.I cried my  heart out and felt so terrible that I couldn't stop death from taking Fred right in my arms. Missing him isn't the hardest part,its accepting that he's never coming back;letting the kids know that daddy is in heaven and never going to come home has been tough on us. Most times I feel I'm living someone else's life. The past 12 months has taught me a whole lot.I have learnt of strength I didn't know I had and fears I didn't know existed,I have endured,been broken,known hardship  and a lot.
You either get bitter or better.You either take what has been dealt to u and allow it make you a better person or you allow it tear you down,the choice doesn't belong to fate,it belongs to you so I have decided to bloom where I have been planted.There's no manual to grieving,one person's journey is completely different from another. Its a long road so I take it a step at a time,one foot in front of the other,one minute after another and keep doing the best I can. Some days are better,I'm happy and feel like a super woman such days and other days are bad,I'm sad and don't want to  live. Such days I often think I can't do this anymore but then realize what choice do I have. The thing is,I'm not allowed to give up,I'm supposed to live my life against all odds. I started dating Fred when i was a naive,innocent 18 year old in 100L and we got married after i was done with school.I was so attached to him,he taught me most things I know and never imagined I would be able to live without him on this earth. I never knew i could make it this far but here I stand,still moving forward and growing stronger each day.I don't have it all together,I had and still have a lot of struggles. I know I can't do it all,I try my best and do what is right for me,no one is walking in my shoes.I tell myself that no matter how bad it is or how bad it gets,I'm gonna make it by the grace of God. I have learnt to use a beautiful smile to hide my wounded soul. Being a widow in Naija isn't easy at all,people tend to make the already difficult journey more difficult for you.They don't wanna see you smile, they expect you to throw away your old clothes and shoes and look haggard in sack clothes probably,they advise you on places you should go to and places you shouldnt be seen,if they had their way,they will probably come up with a meal plan for you. they expect you to knock on their doors daily and remind them how bad things are for you. Men on the other hand think u are so desperate and have become easy prey. It's so unfortunate that even some religious leaders would try to brainwash u so they can have their way with you.It baffles me that someone who isn't a widow seem to understand the journey better and come up with rules and regulations just to make your life more miserable than it is already.Despite the ups and down of the year,one thing that remained constant is the faithfulness of God. He provided a job,sent strangers to be there and always made a way where I couldn't find one.God is not an option but a necessity in this journey.This post wouldn't be complete if I don't thank fin sisters that kept praying and standing in the gap for me when I was keeping 'malice' with I appreciate all the long calls and messages from within and outside the country,for reaching out to me, making me smile and laugh so hard amidst tears even when i thought I had no reason to smile. Finsters have proved to me that family mustn't be blood,it's about those who are willing to hold your hand when you need it most. I know that I am a QUEEN whether I have a king or not;one day,my pains will be my testimonies....

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